FF9 VS Barney, the Evil purple dinosaur!
by Gaian Skylord
Summary: When Quina eats the TV, Zidane and Co. must find other ways of amusing themselves! Then, when they least expect it... Eiko-Err... I mean, disaster strikes!! Please R+R!!!


The characters of FF9 V.S. Barney the evil purple dinosaur!  
  
Disclaimer-Thinga-Majigger: I DON'T OWN FF9, THE CHARACTERS OR SQUARESOFT!! I DARE YOU TO TRY AND SUE ME NOW!!! I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!!! *Gets angry looks from lawyers* Squaresoftian lawyers: Awww. Nuts.. Gaian Skylord: *Begins victory dance* I am untouchable!! I'm freakin' INVINCIBLE!!!! Lawyers: *All mumbling amongst themselves* .. No dancing abilities..*Cough!* Gaian Skylord: *Red in face* I HEARD THAT!!!! I CONDEMN YOU TO OUTDATED ELEVATOR MUSIC HELL!!!!! *Switches on boom-box* Lawyers: AHHHHH!!!!!! *Runs around like headless chickens*  
  
This, in short, is what happens when a character from FF9 (I won't say who! Mwa, ha ha ha ha!!) gets a magical television and gets the whole crew transported into the realm of Barney, the evil purple dinosaur! A showdown! Who will win?  
  
The story!  
  
Zidane, Kuja and Quina were bored out of their minds one rainy day.  
  
Zidane: God, I'm real bored. *Begins to twiddle his thumbs to keep self amused*  
  
Kuja: It wouldn't BE soooo boring if you could have kept that genderless garbage disposal under control long enough to TELL it the T.V wasn't food! But NOOOOO! You had to turn the channel to the Food Network and look where we are now! *Begins to sob* I can't watch the makeup commercials now and it's all your fault!  
  
Zidane: Uh. Kuja? Your makeup is running-  
  
Kuja: *Crying like a baby* It's all your fault!!!!! I'm gonna have to re- apply it all because of you!!!  
  
Quina: T.V tasty! Marsh frogs good but. T.V yummy yummies better! ME LIKE!!!  
  
Zidane: Do we have a stomach pump?  
  
Kuja: No  
  
Zidane: Damn  
  
*Freya walks into the room with a tray of snacks and soda*  
  
Freya: What's going on here?. Where's the T.V?! *Gasp* I won't be able to watch "The history of the Burmecian Dragoons" without it!! I was to be featured in the latest installment and, now, I'll never see it!!  
  
*Quina hungrily eyes the food tray and licks his/her lips greedily*  
  
Freya: Quina? Are you okay???  
  
Quina: Food. FOOOOOD. *Begins to foam at the mouth*  
  
Freya: What? No! *Pulls tray away* This is MY snack, not yours! If you want something to eat so badly you can go to the kitchen and make it yourself like everyone else.  
  
Zidane: Not a good move.  
  
*Quina begins to growl and slobber like a giant St Bernard  
  
Zidane: Freya, this is a matter of life and death. Slowly put down the food tray and walk away extremely slowly and quietly. I REPEAT! Slowly put down the food tray and walk away extremely slowly and quietly! And whatever you do- *Begins to wildly flail arms around* - DO NOT PANIC!  
  
Freya: Matter of life and death? What are you talking abou-  
  
*Suddenly, the four-hundred pound Qu charges at the Burmecian with its gapping mouth open, vacuuming the snack tray (and almost Freya, too) into oblivion*  
  
Freya: *Shaking* .The horror. The HORROR.  
  
Kuja: What did you see? Besides the great black void of nothingness.  
  
Freya: .I saw my ancestors beckoning to me from the end of a long, bright corridor and all I could hear was a strange voice saying " Don't go into the light!"  
  
Kuja:. How original.  
  
Zidane: Did you see the T.V down there?  
  
Freya: Umm. No.  
  
*Zidane falls to his knees*  
  
Zidane: NOOOOOO!!!! OH CRUELLEST OF FATES!! I"LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WATCH THE SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS OR BAYWATCH EVER AGAIN!!!! WHY ME!!! WWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Quina: Me like chips and tasty bubbly water! YUM!!  
  
*Zidane gets up and looks at Quina, stupefied and, as he thinks up an evil plan, gets an insane gleam in his eyes*  
  
Freya: What is he thinking?  
  
Kuja: The look in his eyes. That can't be good. Quina: Me want cookie and more bubbly water!  
  
*Zidane gives Quina an innocent look*  
  
Zidane: Oh, Quinnnna! Do you think you could possibly. Cough it up?  
  
Quina: Cough what?  
  
Zidane: The T.V?  
  
Quina: No, me no can do that! 'What go down stay down', that Qu law.  
  
Zidane: Maybe.*Pulls out Ultima Weapon and grins evilly* . An operation???  
  
*Quina freezes and looks at Zidane's evil smile*  
  
Quina: EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Runs from the room and disappears into the hallway*  
  
Zidane: Aww, Shoot! *Runs to the door holding Ultima Weapon behind his back*  
  
Zidane: Come back! It's not like I wasn't gonna knock you out first! Look! I'll even get you some Tylenol!!! Darn it. I'll never see that wide T.V screen again.  
  
*Dagger and Vivi enter the room from the other door*  
  
Dagger: Zidane.? *Looks around room, puzzled* What's going on? I heard the sound of objects being sucked into oblivion followed by your screaming then Quina's. I though someone might be hurt-  
  
Kuja: *Having a fit* SOMEONES GOING TO BE HURT IF I DON'T GET ANOTHER T.V!!!!! WITHOUT ONE, I WON'T BE ABLE TO WATCH ANOTHER FASHION SHOW EVER AGAIN!!!!!!  
  
Vivi: .Umm. That's a bad thing?  
  
Freya: Vivi's got a point there.  
  
Kuja: *Fuming* Just because none of you have no fashion sense and can't appreciate the joy of cross-dressing doesn't mean I SHOULD HAVE TO SUFFER!!!!  
  
Dagger: Hey! I have fashion sense! How dare you speak to me, the Queen of Alexandria, like that!!!  
  
*Walks over to Kuja and slaps him across the face*  
  
All (Except Dagger and Kuja): OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! CATFIGHT!!! CATFIGHT!!!  
  
Kuja: *Goes into Trance* That's IT! You've smudged MY EYELINER!! IT TAKES HOURS OF CAREFUL PRECISION TO APPLY THAT!! YOU'RE GONNA PAY!!!!!! ULTIM-  
  
* Dagger casually walks over while he's ranting and hits him over the head with her staff, knocking him out*  
  
All: OUCH!! YYYYAAAAHHHH!!!!!  
  
Dagger: *Smiles triumphantly* Poor, brain-dead, gay, fashion-crazed Genome-  
  
Zidane: Hey! *Pouts* I'm straight!  
  
Dagger: Oh no, Zidane! I didn't mean-  
  
Zidane: Oh, Okay!  
  
*Freya walks over to Dagger*  
  
Freya: Dagger, would you happen to know where Amarant is? I was meaning to ask him about a map of the Mist Continent.  
  
Dagger: I sent him and Steiner to the store to get something for dinner. But that was close to two hours ago. They should be back by now!  
  
Freya: I hope they will get back soon. This is very important. I wonder what's keeping them?  
  
*At the store*  
  
As the scene begins, we see Amarant and Steiner with a large shopping cart full of food trapped behind close to 90 vicious, cutthroat shoppers in the check out lane of the grocery store.  
  
Amarant: *Leaning against the shopping cart* .This is freakin' insane. Just freakin' insane. How long have we even been here for?  
  
Steiner: *Grumbling* Are we never to see the outside world again?! This is horrible! The Queen must believe we have failed in our errand!  
  
Amarant: .This ain't a store- *Narrowly missed by a flying wedge of cheese* -It's Hell with fluorescent lights. Whoa! I'm hallucinating! *Points to a newly opened cash and pinches himself* I ain't dreaming! Run for it!!  
  
*The RUN!! Music begins to play as the assassin and the Pluto knight madly wheel their cart towards the open cash followed by a raging stampede of people brandishing CD's, high-heeled shoes, cheese wedges and brick-filled purses*  
  
*Meanwhile, at the house*  
  
Vivi: Umm. What happened to-  
  
Zidane: The T.V?!  
  
Vivi: No-  
  
Zidane: The satellite?!  
  
Vivi: Uh, No. The-  
  
Zidane: VCR?! DVD player?! The PS2?! HE HE HE HE!!??!! *Begins to twitch convulsively*  
  
Dagger: Zidane! SNAP OUT OF IT!!! *Goes over and slaps him*  
  
All: OOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!  
  
Dagger: SHUT UP!!  
  
All: Awww.  
  
Zidane: Dagger! That really hurt! Grrr. *Goes into Trance*. GRAND LETHA-  
  
Dagger: *Smiles pleasantly* Oh, I just can't stay mad at you, Zidane! *Walks over and kisses him so long that it looks like she's sucking the life out of him*  
  
Zidane: -Merph!!! Hmmm?!. Mmmmmmm...  
  
Vivi *To Freya*: What are they doing???  
  
Freya: Sucking faces  
  
Vivi: Looks painful.  
  
*Dagger finally lets go of Zidane*  
  
Dagger: *Smiles sweetly* You're not still mad at me, are you?  
  
Zidane: *In a zombie-like trance* .No, Mistress. I shall obey.  
  
Dagger: Good! *Hands him broom* Now go clean the house!  
  
Zidane: *Takes the broom* . Your wish is my command.-  
  
*Suddenly, Eiko enters the room dragging a large antique T.V behind her*  
  
Eiko: Hiya guys!! How's it goin-  
  
Zidane: *Snaps out of trance* -T.V!!!! *Drops broom and runs toward Eiko, tongue hanging out of head*  
  
Eiko: *All smug* Oh, Zidane! I knew you liked me better than that stuck up, hornless Summone-  
  
*Zidane runs her over and begins to hug the old T.V*  
  
Zidane: Ohhh!!! I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU!!!!!  
  
Dagger + Eiko: HEY!!!  
  
Vivi *To Freya*: This is gonna get ugly.  
  
Freya: Best not to watch *The two turn their backs on the scene and begin talking about the weather*  
  
Eiko: *Stomping angrily* That was sooooooooooo rude of you, Zidane! How dare you treat us ladies like that! You're gonna pay!! Chimo! Kupo! Mog! Artimecion! Get your butts over here NOW!!! *The moogles show up in the doorway*  
  
Kupo: What is it, kupo.  
  
Artimecion: Yeah! We're kinda busy at the moment, kupo!  
  
Chimo: We're trying to move this big fat thing that got stuck in the kitchen door, kupo. And it's not Queen Branhe!  
  
Mog: Well, it could be Queen Branhe. We don't know, kupo.  
  
Eiko: *Gasp* Oh no! It's Quina! We've got to get he/she out of there and seal off the kitchen or we're all doomed! *Runs out of room followed by the moogles*  
  
Eiko: *Screams from halfway down the hall* You got lucky this time, Genome, but next time you won't be so fortunate! *Cackles insanely*  
  
Zidane: T.V. *Smiles*  
  
Dagger: *Thoroughly disgusted* Hmph! I can't believe you, Zidane! You like a piece of circuitry better than you like me.- *Looks at clock on wall and grins*  
  
Dagger: Oh goodie! 'How to care for your Chocobo' is on the Animal Channel right now! MOVE!  
  
*Pries Zidane off T.V with her staff, plugs it in and reaches for the remote*  
  
Zidane: .*Slowly regaining sanity* .Ouch! Hey Dagger, What was that for?  
  
*Dagger staring blankly at T.V screen*  
  
Zidane: Dagger?  
  
Dagger: .*Drool*  
  
*Strange chanting sounds can be heard coming from the T.V*  
  
Freya: Hmm? *Ears perk up* What the?! *She whirls around to see Dagger muttering inaudibly in front of the T.V*  
  
Freya: Oh GOD!!!  
  
*As Zidane watches, Freya tackles Dagger away from the T.V*  
  
Dagger: .*Still muttering*  
  
Freya: WAKE UP!!! *Starts shaking her violently*  
  
*Ten minutes later.  
  
Zidane: Freya! She's had enough! You're gonna kill her! Drop her!!  
  
Freya: Awww. Alright. *Drops Dagger to the floor*  
  
Dagger: .*Sits up* .What . Nightmare.*Shivers convulsively* . Evil. Dinosaur. Voodoo-chant.  
  
Zidane: Yeah, whatever you say! I'm changing the channel- *Reaches for remote*  
  
Freya: No, Zidane! *Slaps remote out of hands*  
  
Zidane: Hey! I want to watch CARTOONS!!!  
  
Freya: But it's like this on every channel *Points to fuzzy screen* !!!  
  
Zidane: Soooo? Mindless entertainment will always be mindless, won't it?  
  
Freya: You illegitimately manufactured child!! DON'T YOU GET IT!!!!  
  
Zidane: .No?  
  
Freya: The T.V has been cursed by, none other then-  
  
Zidane: The Easter bunny?  
  
Freya: No! The-  
  
Zidane: Repair man?  
  
Freya: No! The-  
  
Zidane: Thing that lives under your bed?  
  
Freya: How did you- Nevermind. And no! The-  
  
Zidane: Balrog from that Lord of the Rings movie?  
  
Freya: Close, but no. The-  
  
Zidane: Two things that live under my bed?  
  
Freya: Which one?  
  
Zidane: It couldn't be that cute little possessed, man-eating sock. So. *Gasp!* Eiko?!  
  
Freya: Bingo  
  
Zidane: But why?  
  
Freya: Think.  
  
Zidane: But thinking hurts my brain. Couldn't you just tell me?  
  
Dagger: *dazed and confused* I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, there they all are standing in a row.  
  
*Crickets chirp*  
  
Zidane: .You.. Uh, all right Dagger?  
  
Dagger: Oh hi!!!! Hey Zidane, why are there three of you? *faints*  
  
Freya: It was a close call but I think she'll be okay-  
  
Dagger: *wakes up* BIG ONES! Small ones. Some big as your head!  
  
Freya: Or not.  
  
Zidane: Looks like fun! One, two, three!  
  
Zidane + Dagger: We've got a lovely bunch of coconuts! There they are standing-in-a-row!!  
  
Freya: *covers face with hand* I need to find a bar.  
  
Zidane + Dagger: Big ones! Small ones! Some big as your-  
  
Freya: Shuddap!  
  
*Two are quiet*  
  
Freya: *sighs* Now listen to me. There is an evil creature that goes by the name of Barney, The Purple dinosaur! In order to free the TV from this evil curse, we must defeat the unspeakable evil!! Only then we can resume our mindless activities!-  
  
Zidane: -And watch cartoons?  
  
Freya: *big anime sweatdrop* Yes, and watch cartoons-  
  
Dagger: And launch a universal takeover?  
  
Freya: *Bigger anime sweatdrop* Yeah, Whatever.  
  
Dagger + Zidane: YEAH!!!  
  
Will Barney ever be defeated? Will Zidane ever watch his cartoons? Will Amarant and Steiner ever find their way out of that store??? Find out in the next insane chapter of FF9 versus Barney the purple dinosaur! 


End file.
